I know. I know. In most polite circles, it is considered more déclassé to lick your own boob than to loll about in transparent panties. But does that really explain the difference between Scarlett Johansson’s career and Linda Cardellini’s? Consider: Back in 2000, Linda was the lead in the hip, off-beat TV series Freaks and Geeks, while Scarlett was playing the kid sister in My Brother the Pig. Now Scarlett is starring in her third Woody Allen flick while Linda is stuck in ER (You mean, it’s still on! My God!), so desperate for a starring role that she appeared in the infamous Grandma’s Boy, a film so bad that I seem to be the only person who’s ever seen it.
Well, talent will out, right? Seriously? Do you really think that Scarlett is a better actress than Linda? Excuse me, but I don’t see it. I mean, Scarlett is definitely a serious babe, but what else is going on there? Anything?
I’m sorry, but I think this is a case of it’s not how you do, but who you do, and how you do them. Some girls just want to have fun, witness poor Lindsay Lohan, who seems determined to do more jail time than Paris Hilton and Martha Stewart put together, but some girls have the guts, and the smarts, to romance the geezers. I’m thinking, it probably went down something like this:
Scarlett: Gosh, Mr. Allen, I just love Sidney Bechet! I could listen to the Red Onion Jazz Babies all night long!
Woody: Call me Woody. Wait till you hear Bix Beiderbecke!
Scarlett: Great! (thinks: Jesus Fucking Christ!)
Woody: (thinks: Jesus Fucking Christ! Look at those tits!) We used to do the Bunny Hug to this.
Scarlett: You have to teach me!
Woody: Okay. Now, I put my arms around you like this. (thinks: Viagra, don’t fail me now!)
Laugh if you like, but I think little Scarlett has earned her stardom.