Bright Lights Film Journal

The weekend film reviewer, no, I didn’t see that one either

Where is Godzilla, now that we need him?
OK, it isn’t a banner year. But what looks good? Material Girls? Hilary Duff and Haylie Duff? I’m not sure my parole officer would allow it, and the “family approved” white dove awarded by Ed Carpenter of the Dove Foundation doesn’t reassure me in the slightest. What do you hear from your parole officer, Ed?

How about cerebral? Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti in The Illusionist? Science versus magic? Forget it, dude. I know where I come down on that one. Quantum mechanics is my life. Reality, not myths. Watching a bunch of moist, sepulchral Victorian dudes meditate on the nature of “truth” ain’t my idea of a party.

Snakes on a Plane? Some questions answer themselves. Besides, I’m not really afraid of snakes. Tarantulas on a Plane might be a different story.

Step Up? “Hottest movie of the summer!” says Lisa Stanley of CBS radio. Yeah, and Lisa always gets it right.

Scoop? Hey, nobody loves Scarlett Johansson’s breasts more than I do, well, except for Woody Allen, of course, but asking me to endure another non-performance from the Woodman to see them is asking way too much.

Little Miss Sunshine? One of the characters has taken a vow of silence, and I have taken a vow not to watch any film that has a character who has taken a vow of silence. My schedule is almost empty, but it’s still too full for another self-satisfied indie pissing on the great American middle-class. I can do that myself, for free.

Accepted? A teen sex comedy that’s rated PG-13? Are you crazy?

Descent? “The Best Scare Film of the Summer” says Peter Travers. Yeah, but I scare way too easily.

Boynton Beach Club? Old folks trying to get laid? Hey, I’m living that Hell, 24/7. I don’t need to pay to see it.

Trust the Man, with Billy Crudup and Dave Duchovny? “Shout-out-loud funny with a terrific cast” says Thelma Adams with US weekly. Thelma, honey, you’re a quote whore.

I guess it’s just me and Elie Halevy’s England in the Age of Cobden and Peel. Maybe things will pick up next week.