Bright Lights Film Journal

Pirates of the Caribbean: the final ripoff!

See! Keira Knightly pull a blunderbuss out of her ass! See! Johnny Depp fuck a goat! See! Orlando Bloom give head!

All of these things do happen, pretty much, in the third and presumably last episode of Pirates of the Caribbean. The more scrupulous among us might object to the expenditure of enough talent and craft to build a dozen Taj Mahals on a film that has more funny monkey gags than Bonzo Goes to College, but, frankly, I think you’re going to love Pirates of the Caribbean: it’s two and three-quarters hours well-wasted, and, at six bucks, that’s a bargain!

There was also a bit about a black chick turning into about a billion crabs that was totally over my head. The rest of the flick was basically a cheekbones face-off between Johnny, Orlando, and Keira. The years have softened poor Johnny since his glory days on 21 Jump Street, so I’m going to have to give the palm to Keira. Yeah, I know she’s bad, but she’s so damn pretty that I just don’t care. Dames! They always fuck you up!