Well, it won’t. When the Weekend Moviegoer wants to write about movies he isn’t going to see, no one can stop him, not even Mr. Devil.
Spider-man 3 Actually, I’ve already seen this one. I didn’t actually hate Spider-man Uno, but I did actively dislike it, so much so that I skipped Spider-man le Duce, but I totally bought the trailer for Spider-man 3. Creepy-crawly black shit from outer space! Who could resist? I didn’t.
Spider-man 3 has too many faults to enumerate, so I’m not going to, but there’s plenty of action, and a welcome shortage of message and angst,* enough to put the film in the upper tier of comic book movies. I strongly advise seeing the film in D.C.’s venerable Uptown theater, whose bitchin’ sound system lets you feel the action, bringing us closer to Aldous Huxley’s “feelies’ than ever before.**
Waitress “If only life were as easy as pie! “Tasty!” “Tart!” “Crusty!” Why do I hate films about waitresses? Because they always want me to feel sorry for waitresses! Hey, I got problems too! Why don’t waitresses feel sorry for me?
Shrek III I think I got all the jokes the first time.
Georgia Rule Garry Marshall goes South? I wasn’t sure if I could resist that. But then I learned that it’s set in Idaho. Idaho I can resist.
Jindabyne “A sublime film. Seamlessly directed and beautifully acted.” Already I’m bailing. Plus, it’s based on a short story by Raymond Carver. I write short stories too, you know. And I’m not an alky. But the press I get you could put in a gnat’s navel, with room left over for an agent’s heart and a standup’s soul.
The Invisible I don’t do horror.
Away From Her Julie Christie, Gordon Pinsent, and Olympia Dukakis? These people are older than I am. The ad looks like On Golden Pond without Jane Fonda’s bikini.
Hot Fuzz Sounds wacky! I think I’ve done wacky, for the time being. Maybe next year.
Didn’t get the locked door bit? Consider yourself lucky. But if you really want to visit the bottomless horror that is Apartment 3-G, check out the Comics Curmudgeon. The Qomics for Queers dude doesn’t do A3-G (too many chicks), but he definitely gets down on his main man, Ted Forth.
*One not so welcome shortage: Kirsten Dunst’s nipples! Rent the original!
**I saw Superman Returns in the San Francisco IMAX, which is probably triple the size of the Uptown, and the reverbs weren’t nearly as good. Plus SR in SF cost me twenty large, while the Uptown let me in for five at a 10 AM matinee!