Bright Lights Film Journal

What fucks Stavros Niarchos III, Wilmer Valderrama, Sean Lennon, Bruce Willis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jared Leto, and Jamie Burke, and says “hence”?

Why, Lindsay Lohan, of course, as in “I’m a big believer in karma, hence the fact that I’ve studied kabbalah.”* La Loha lets it all hang out, or at least a goodly portion, in an interview with Elle magazine, available online here.

I confess I feel a little uncomfortable beating up on Lindsay, I didn’t interview that well at 20 myself. You don’t know shit, and you’re trying to impress these old people, and why are they so important, for Christ’s sake?, and you’re living in a world that doesn’t make much sense to anyone anyway. But, hey, it’s August, I’m bored, and she’s rich.

Elle interviewer Andrew Goldman holds Lindsay’s feet to the fire with questions like “Those Greek shipping heirs, for example, seem to be popular now,” trying to provoke Lindsay on the topic of Paris Hilton ex Stavros Niarchos, but Lindsay’s like totally cool with it, and she goes like “Paris is very comfortable making videos,” like Paris is so over and she doesn’t even know it. Also Lindsay knows this chick who shoots up her armpits with Botox she won’t sweat, but Lindsay doesn’t do that. Besides, it just makes your nose sweat more, which is like karma.

There’s also some shit you may have read about about Lindsay wanting to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton, to kind of do the Marilyn Monroe thing,** but that hasn’t been nailed down yet, but Lindsay’s thinking about taking some shooting lessons, which could probably help her get in touch with her dark side. “Yeah, I have a dark side. I go to my dark side. I watched all these videos on Charles Manson for a while.”

Lindsay and firearms! Sleep well, America!

*Yeah, yeah, karma is a doctrine associated with Hinduism and Buddhism, while “kabbahla” refers to Judaic mysticism. Cut the kid some slack! It’s all part of the same demiurge, right?

**Lindsay doesn’t say if she also plans to embark on a series of meaningless, degrading affairs with famous men and then kill herself in her late thirties.