Another weekend, another nightmare. Let’s see what’s at the multiplex.
The Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Sufer: Reed Richards is Mr. Wizard in a bad haircut. As for the Thing, the guy looks like a turd in a pair of panties, a turd with arms and legs and no dick. What’s with the Thing’s thing? The guy is hung like Invisible Girl. As for the Human Torch, hey, this is a waste of pixels. Next!
You Kill Me: I am so in the tank for Téa Leoni that I included her diacritic mark. But comedies about hitmen, I’m sorry, but they’re tacky. I saw The Whole Nine Yards and didn’t feel good about myself at all.
Evan Almighty: According to the reviews, this ungodly mix of soteriology and scatology is for evangelicals only. Hey, I love hippo shit as much as the next guy, but keep your hands off my soul.
A Mighty Heart: Angelina Jolie being an actress instead of a movie star. What’s the point?
Mr. Brooks: Demi Moore keeps her clothes on. What’s the point?
Knocked Up: Lardbutt knocks up a gorgeous babe, embraces fatherhood, matrimony, responsibility. More lies from the Dream Factory!
Evening: “Her greatest secret was her greatest gift.” Yeah, right!
La Vie en Rose: The life of Edith Piaf! Talk about Ã¼ber-kitsch! Sorry, I took down my bullfighter poster years ago. I even lost my beret!
Nancy Drew: I never got into Nancy as a kid. For one thing, she was a girl, and for another I was too busy with Ulysses and Das Kapital, not to mention the Tractatus. But maybe. I’ll have to see how drunk I am.