OK, what is out there?
We Are Marshall: “If you’re not cheering you should check your pulse!”, Stephen Hunter, Washington Post. Sorry, dude. I stopped getting excited about high-school football a long time ago. Yeah, maybe it’s college. Who gives a fuck? Pass.
The Queen: A movie about a dried-up old broad that also makes fun of Tony Blair. Politicians are such assholes, aren’t they? Pass.
Rocky Balboa: Pass.
Notes on a Scandal: Another movie about another dried-up old broad, a lesbian this time around. Patrick Marber, who did the script, also did Closer, a film about people who lie and cheat and talk dirty. Pass.
The Painted Veil: “A timeless love story â€¦ let it sweep you away!”, Rolling Stone. Rolling Stone? What are you guys drinking, Dubonnet? Pass.
Dreamgirls: “Mixed” reviews, possibly tainted by political correctness. Contemporary musicals always bring out the Beavis and Butthead in me, which is never far from the surface anyway. Besides, I was in a book store yesterday and they were playing the Supremes’ greatest hits on the sound system. Why pay to see fake Supremes when I just heard the real ones for free? Pass.
Freedom Writers: Hot chick turns ghetto kids into English majors. Pass.
Pan’s Labyrith: Guy with eyes on his hands. Pass.*
The Pursuit of Happyness: Heartwarming film about a black dude. Pass.
Stomp the Yard: Heartwarming film about a black dude. Pass.
Curse of the Golden Flower: “Fabulous fun!”, Stephen Hunter, Washington Post. What is with this guy? From the jugs on Gong Li, I’m guessing that silicone has reached the mainland. But what about that hair on Chow Yun Fat? What’s up with that? Pass.
Primeval: “Inspired by the true story of the most prolific serial killer in history!” Yeah, but I don’t like serial killers. I saw Psycho. That was enough.
Night at the Museum: I walked out on this one. I’ve seen Bibletone movies on the life of Jesus that were less didactic. Hold on to your dreams! Don’t be a stockbroker!** Read history! Don’t fight wars! And play nice!
Miss Potter: I never was that into Peter Rabbit. Rene Zellweger I like, but I’m guessing she keeps her clothes on in this one.
Letters from Iwo Jima: Two and a half hours of guys getting killed. I guess not.
Alpha Dog: “It has much the same entertainment value you get from watching monkeys fling scat at one another in a zoo or reading the latest issue of Star magazine.”, Manohla Dargis, New York Times. Apparently, that’s a thumbs up in Manohla Dargis talk, which probably comes from being named after a shoe. I’m torn on this one, because it sounds a lot like Bonnie and Clyde, which I’m on record as regarding as cool. So maybe Alpha Dog is cool. And if it isn’t, maybe I have a moral duty as a film critic to explain why. Ow. This is a tough one. Also, I understand director Nick Cassavetes has a tendency to wax meta from time to time, and I usually don’t care for meta. Maybe it’s time to move a little out of the old comfort zone! Yeah, maybe.
*Besides, it’s an “art film.” Yuk!
**Don’t be a stockbroker! And don’t invest with a stockbroker! Invest in equity index funds with low management fees! Read A Random Walk Down Wall Street, by Burton Malkiel! Buy a home and pay off a little bit of the principal each month! Don’t run up credit card debt! Plan to work until you’re 67, at least, and 70 if you’re feeling spry! Or marry a rich broad.